Since my last post a lot has changed. I know it's only been a few days but sometimes all it takes is one little thing to open ones eyes and connect the dots as it were.
Today is my birthday and normally I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but today was a bit different. It was a bit of an awakening actually. For the first time in my life there were people, some of which I still really don't know all that well, going out of their way to wish me a Happy Birthday. Doesn't seem like much on the outside but for someone who has close Family members that don't even make the effort to pass along this simple pleasantry having someone who barely knows you remember your birthday and take the time to say something means an awful lot! Having my son spend the night with me was an added gift!
That aside I learned something today. I've been really down on myself over the last few years thinking that I've somehow failed in my quest to become a better person. Turns out I was both right and wrong. When I think back over the past years my quest to be a better person had nothing to do with me bettering myself but more with the perception of success. My thoughts were that the more money you had or the more things that you had was a sign of success. Didn't matter what you did to acquire it just the fact that you had it was all that mattered. Problem is when that is your focus all the things that you acquired have a tendency to leave as fast as they arrived! So in my bid to achieve some sort of status I ended up losing everything I gained! It was never about appreciating what I had but more about what else I can get! Kinda selfish now that I think about it. I always thought that the more stuff you had when you got older the more comfortable you would be and therefore the happier you would be but yet when I had all this stuff I was a miserable bastard!
Today I watched a documentary on my favorite band of all time The Who. It was called "Amazing Journey - The story of The Who". Even if you are not a big Who fan it's well worth seeing! As I'm watching this I was seeing what they went though from their meager beginnings all the way up until now. How they worked hard and fought for everything they have accomplished. During the movie they talked in depth about the passing of Keith Moon and John Entwhistle. These were probably two of the most influential musicians of their time, probably still are, had all the success and fame in the world and threw it all away. Moon's passing was due to his rather insatiable partying habits and overall reckless behaviour and Entwhistles death was caused by a heart attack after doing cocaine at the age of 57. Entwhistle had spent the last 15 or so years of his life in massive debt due to his lavish lifestyle. Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry, not having been caught up in all that, are still going strong. This really put things into perspective for me.
The simple act of watching that documentary and seeing where, in some cases, my recent past kind of paralleled John Entwhistles (except for the drugs part) it made me realize that, in a physical sense, it's not about what you have but who you are! It's not about the destination and who has the most toys at the end but it's the Journey itself! You have to be able to make the journey, do the best you can, be the best you can be for yourself and others, learn from your mistakes and above all be thankful for what you have along the way. The destination matters in the spiritual sense. Where you go after you leave the physical world! For me that means building a better relationship with God and understanding that he will guide me through this life and into the next. That my happiness is in his hands and my success will not be measured by what material items I've accumulated along the way but by how I lead my life. That seems to be the thing I've forgotten over the years and now that I look back I can see where I got off track!
Just one thing can make all the difference in the world. Maybe now my low self esteem and inferiority issues will diminish as well. I'm sure it will take time. At least now I'm looking forward to the journey rather then looking for ways to avoid it!
Until next time.......
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