It's time I talk about myself

Someone told me once that I was a very complex person. She said that one minute I could be extremely passionate or spiritual in nature and the next very cold and distant. I used to think that she was nuts but lately the more I really look at myself I'm realizing she didn't know the half of it!

I'm told by a lot of people that I'm one of the nicest people they've ever met. That makes me feel good because I really don't like to upset or disappoint people. People also often wonder why I haven't been married before or why I seem to fail at relationships. Part of the reason is I seem to be a psycho magnet. Crazy people flock to me! But there are other reasons for it as well.

I used to think I was just shy. I wish it were that simple. You see, I seem to be suffering from a severe case of low self esteem and an inferiority complex. I'm pretty sure I know where they come from but the problem is overcoming it. It manifests itself in a lot of different ways. On one hand you are very good at certain things, for me it's computers and music, and you know what your capabilities are, in my case I know that I am extremely good at what I do, but I'm very easily intimidated by others even if I know they are not on the same level I am. It also shows when someone graces my with a compliment either on my guitar playing or whatever else. I don't believe them and will, mostly to myself, immediately downplay or degrade myself.

It's affected me in my relationships as well. I've shared my life with some very wonderful women and I've done my best to screw up each relationship. Some even before they started. I either get so scared I'm going to say something or do something wrong that I put up a wall and seem very stand-offish or if someone is interested in me I simply can't believe she could possibly want anything to do with me and turn away.

I've had a lot of negative things happen to me over the past few years and I guess that's just made the issue worse. Couple that with being in a situation where I was surround by negativity in one shape or form for almost 10 years and add to that the fact that I've been feeling the affects of these issues without even realizing it for as long as I can remember. Everything sorta came to a turning point a few years ago when I was actually so down on myself that I was contemplating ending it all. I was scared and alone and didn't know what to do or where to go. To be honest the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want to put my family through that. It was then when I set out on this journey to find out who I was and how I got to where I was. Along the way I realized that I really didn't like or think too much of myself. I still don't but I'm doing my best to turn things around.

Over the last year I've had somewhat of a spiritual awakening. I started playing guitar in a local church's Praise Band and I think it's had a positive impact on me. I've recently become a member of the church and was Baptised by our Pastor. I really admire him. He's been through a lot over the years and with the help of his faith in God he has overcome them. I still have a long way to go but at least now I'm trying. I've always been a spiritual person in one way or another. Some people have said they could see it in my guitar playing because I would seem to drift off into another world during a performance.

My hope is that some day soon I will be able to look myself in the mirror and not be disgusted by what I see. That maybe I will be able to see some of the positive things that others see in me to hopefully just someday be happy. That's all I really want. To be happy!