Since my last post a lot has changed. I know it's only been a few days but sometimes all it takes is one little thing to open ones eyes and connect the dots as it were.
Today is my birthday and normally I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but today was a bit different. It was a bit of an awakening actually. For the first time in my life there were people, some of which I still really don't know all that well, going out of their way to wish me a Happy Birthday. Doesn't seem like much on the outside but for someone who has close Family members that don't even make the effort to pass along this simple pleasantry having someone who barely knows you remember your birthday and take the time to say something means an awful lot! Having my son spend the night with me was an added gift!
That aside I learned something today. I've been really down on myself over the last few years thinking that I've somehow failed in my quest to become a better person. Turns out I was both right and wrong. When I think back over the past years my quest to be a better person had nothing to do with me bettering myself but more with the perception of success. My thoughts were that the more money you had or the more things that you had was a sign of success. Didn't matter what you did to acquire it just the fact that you had it was all that mattered. Problem is when that is your focus all the things that you acquired have a tendency to leave as fast as they arrived! So in my bid to achieve some sort of status I ended up losing everything I gained! It was never about appreciating what I had but more about what else I can get! Kinda selfish now that I think about it. I always thought that the more stuff you had when you got older the more comfortable you would be and therefore the happier you would be but yet when I had all this stuff I was a miserable bastard!
Today I watched a documentary on my favorite band of all time The Who. It was called "Amazing Journey - The story of The Who". Even if you are not a big Who fan it's well worth seeing! As I'm watching this I was seeing what they went though from their meager beginnings all the way up until now. How they worked hard and fought for everything they have accomplished. During the movie they talked in depth about the passing of Keith Moon and John Entwhistle. These were probably two of the most influential musicians of their time, probably still are, had all the success and fame in the world and threw it all away. Moon's passing was due to his rather insatiable partying habits and overall reckless behaviour and Entwhistles death was caused by a heart attack after doing cocaine at the age of 57. Entwhistle had spent the last 15 or so years of his life in massive debt due to his lavish lifestyle. Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry, not having been caught up in all that, are still going strong. This really put things into perspective for me.
The simple act of watching that documentary and seeing where, in some cases, my recent past kind of paralleled John Entwhistles (except for the drugs part) it made me realize that, in a physical sense, it's not about what you have but who you are! It's not about the destination and who has the most toys at the end but it's the Journey itself! You have to be able to make the journey, do the best you can, be the best you can be for yourself and others, learn from your mistakes and above all be thankful for what you have along the way. The destination matters in the spiritual sense. Where you go after you leave the physical world! For me that means building a better relationship with God and understanding that he will guide me through this life and into the next. That my happiness is in his hands and my success will not be measured by what material items I've accumulated along the way but by how I lead my life. That seems to be the thing I've forgotten over the years and now that I look back I can see where I got off track!
Just one thing can make all the difference in the world. Maybe now my low self esteem and inferiority issues will diminish as well. I'm sure it will take time. At least now I'm looking forward to the journey rather then looking for ways to avoid it!
Until next time.......
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
It's time I talk about myself
Someone told me once that I was a very complex person. She said that one minute I could be extremely passionate or spiritual in nature and the next very cold and distant. I used to think that she was nuts but lately the more I really look at myself I'm realizing she didn't know the half of it!
I'm told by a lot of people that I'm one of the nicest people they've ever met. That makes me feel good because I really don't like to upset or disappoint people. People also often wonder why I haven't been married before or why I seem to fail at relationships. Part of the reason is I seem to be a psycho magnet. Crazy people flock to me! But there are other reasons for it as well.
I used to think I was just shy. I wish it were that simple. You see, I seem to be suffering from a severe case of low self esteem and an inferiority complex. I'm pretty sure I know where they come from but the problem is overcoming it. It manifests itself in a lot of different ways. On one hand you are very good at certain things, for me it's computers and music, and you know what your capabilities are, in my case I know that I am extremely good at what I do, but I'm very easily intimidated by others even if I know they are not on the same level I am. It also shows when someone graces my with a compliment either on my guitar playing or whatever else. I don't believe them and will, mostly to myself, immediately downplay or degrade myself.
It's affected me in my relationships as well. I've shared my life with some very wonderful women and I've done my best to screw up each relationship. Some even before they started. I either get so scared I'm going to say something or do something wrong that I put up a wall and seem very stand-offish or if someone is interested in me I simply can't believe she could possibly want anything to do with me and turn away.
I've had a lot of negative things happen to me over the past few years and I guess that's just made the issue worse. Couple that with being in a situation where I was surround by negativity in one shape or form for almost 10 years and add to that the fact that I've been feeling the affects of these issues without even realizing it for as long as I can remember. Everything sorta came to a turning point a few years ago when I was actually so down on myself that I was contemplating ending it all. I was scared and alone and didn't know what to do or where to go. To be honest the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want to put my family through that. It was then when I set out on this journey to find out who I was and how I got to where I was. Along the way I realized that I really didn't like or think too much of myself. I still don't but I'm doing my best to turn things around.
Over the last year I've had somewhat of a spiritual awakening. I started playing guitar in a local church's Praise Band and I think it's had a positive impact on me. I've recently become a member of the church and was Baptised by our Pastor. I really admire him. He's been through a lot over the years and with the help of his faith in God he has overcome them. I still have a long way to go but at least now I'm trying. I've always been a spiritual person in one way or another. Some people have said they could see it in my guitar playing because I would seem to drift off into another world during a performance.
My hope is that some day soon I will be able to look myself in the mirror and not be disgusted by what I see. That maybe I will be able to see some of the positive things that others see in me to hopefully just someday be happy. That's all I really want. To be happy!
I'm told by a lot of people that I'm one of the nicest people they've ever met. That makes me feel good because I really don't like to upset or disappoint people. People also often wonder why I haven't been married before or why I seem to fail at relationships. Part of the reason is I seem to be a psycho magnet. Crazy people flock to me! But there are other reasons for it as well.
I used to think I was just shy. I wish it were that simple. You see, I seem to be suffering from a severe case of low self esteem and an inferiority complex. I'm pretty sure I know where they come from but the problem is overcoming it. It manifests itself in a lot of different ways. On one hand you are very good at certain things, for me it's computers and music, and you know what your capabilities are, in my case I know that I am extremely good at what I do, but I'm very easily intimidated by others even if I know they are not on the same level I am. It also shows when someone graces my with a compliment either on my guitar playing or whatever else. I don't believe them and will, mostly to myself, immediately downplay or degrade myself.
It's affected me in my relationships as well. I've shared my life with some very wonderful women and I've done my best to screw up each relationship. Some even before they started. I either get so scared I'm going to say something or do something wrong that I put up a wall and seem very stand-offish or if someone is interested in me I simply can't believe she could possibly want anything to do with me and turn away.
I've had a lot of negative things happen to me over the past few years and I guess that's just made the issue worse. Couple that with being in a situation where I was surround by negativity in one shape or form for almost 10 years and add to that the fact that I've been feeling the affects of these issues without even realizing it for as long as I can remember. Everything sorta came to a turning point a few years ago when I was actually so down on myself that I was contemplating ending it all. I was scared and alone and didn't know what to do or where to go. To be honest the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want to put my family through that. It was then when I set out on this journey to find out who I was and how I got to where I was. Along the way I realized that I really didn't like or think too much of myself. I still don't but I'm doing my best to turn things around.
Over the last year I've had somewhat of a spiritual awakening. I started playing guitar in a local church's Praise Band and I think it's had a positive impact on me. I've recently become a member of the church and was Baptised by our Pastor. I really admire him. He's been through a lot over the years and with the help of his faith in God he has overcome them. I still have a long way to go but at least now I'm trying. I've always been a spiritual person in one way or another. Some people have said they could see it in my guitar playing because I would seem to drift off into another world during a performance.
My hope is that some day soon I will be able to look myself in the mirror and not be disgusted by what I see. That maybe I will be able to see some of the positive things that others see in me to hopefully just someday be happy. That's all I really want. To be happy!
Let's talk about Al shall we!
I'd like to talk about Al Gore if I may.
First off I don't hate anyone. Theres quite a few people I dislike but I don't hate anyone. However, if I was going to hate someone ol' Al would be at the top of my list (his wife would be next in line!)! Well why is that you ask?
I used to think Al Gore was an idiot. Nothing more than the Democrat version of Dan Quayle. Boy was I wrong. Al Gore is actually one of the smartest people around. He has almost single handedly convinced an entire population of people that Carbon Dioxide, something that appears naturally all over this beautiful planet and something that we EXHALE with every breath, is killing the planet by collecting in the atmosphere and trapping the suns heat and therefore raising the Earths temperature causing "Global Warming". He's had a lot of backing in this crusade as numerous scientists have produced data confirming his theories. By convincing these people of this he has earned numerous awards, including the Nobel Peace Prize, and speaks regularly on the evils of Industry, fossil fuels, farming and anything else that's not "Green". He has been pushing the use of "Carbon Credits" or "Carbon Offsets" for industries and companies that release over a certain amount of CO2 into the atmosphere as a penalty for doing so. He has even convinced people that he himself purchases these credits for his personal home thereby proving that he is doing all he can to reduce his "Carbon Footprint". But here is where his genius ends!
Recently we have all seen the stories about the hacked email server and seen the emails that revealed data has been manipulated or just plain left out in order to show that there the planet is warming even though we are seeing trends of it actually starting to cool. Before that though there were plenty of stories that people just ignored about our good friend Al in reference to his crusade and when you brought them up, you were just "in denial of the facts" (I was told this a lot). First off Al Gore's investment company, Generation Investment Management, owns almost 10% of a carbon asset developer named Camco International, Ltd. This is a company that a business would have to purchase Carbon Offset Credits from in the event their production of CO2 went over their allotted amount.
That's not all, lets take a look at Mr. Gore's carbon foot print shall we! In 2006, which is the year his documentary, An Inconvenient Truth was released, Al's average electric usage was 18,400kWh per month, almost 20 times the average home! His average electric bill was $1400 per month. That's $16,800 per year, just for electric! His natural gas usage is equally ridiculous. His natural gas bill averages $1080 per month! Does this resemble anything close to the conservation and Green initiatives that he preaches? Hardly. This doesn't even take into consideration his constant use of a private jet that consumes more fuel per passenger than a commercial airline or his motorcade that takes him to and from his engagements.
And what about the "Green" movement anyway. Liberals and Progressives like Al not only don't care about the environment but they don't care much about you either. They just use the environment as a sort of Trojan Horse of Troy to make you think that they are concerned about something when in reality theres a whole lot of deviousness going on behind the scenes. Example? There was a concerted effort to build a Solar Farm in the Mojave desert not long ago and a group of LIBERAL and PROGRESSIVE activists shot it down because they were concerned that the Solar Farm would disturb the desert tortoise, a lizard and the Nelson's Bighorn Sheep. Have you ever been to the Mojave desert? I have. I was there for an entire day once (damn radiator). Never saw a tortoise, a lizard or a sheep. How disturbing can a bunch of solar panels be?
What this all comes down to is motive. What is Al Gore's motive for pushing this green initiative? Simple. It's Money and Power! Got nothing to do with the well being of anything or anyone except his wallet! And he's not alone. George Soros wants to nationalize the countries banking system. Where does he keep all of his money? Not in any banks in the US!
Wise up America! The same people that tell you to never believe everything you hear or read for some reason will believe anything and everything someone says as long as they are masking their initiatives with the Environment. Don't get caught up in the BS!
First off I don't hate anyone. Theres quite a few people I dislike but I don't hate anyone. However, if I was going to hate someone ol' Al would be at the top of my list (his wife would be next in line!)! Well why is that you ask?
I used to think Al Gore was an idiot. Nothing more than the Democrat version of Dan Quayle. Boy was I wrong. Al Gore is actually one of the smartest people around. He has almost single handedly convinced an entire population of people that Carbon Dioxide, something that appears naturally all over this beautiful planet and something that we EXHALE with every breath, is killing the planet by collecting in the atmosphere and trapping the suns heat and therefore raising the Earths temperature causing "Global Warming". He's had a lot of backing in this crusade as numerous scientists have produced data confirming his theories. By convincing these people of this he has earned numerous awards, including the Nobel Peace Prize, and speaks regularly on the evils of Industry, fossil fuels, farming and anything else that's not "Green". He has been pushing the use of "Carbon Credits" or "Carbon Offsets" for industries and companies that release over a certain amount of CO2 into the atmosphere as a penalty for doing so. He has even convinced people that he himself purchases these credits for his personal home thereby proving that he is doing all he can to reduce his "Carbon Footprint". But here is where his genius ends!
Recently we have all seen the stories about the hacked email server and seen the emails that revealed data has been manipulated or just plain left out in order to show that there the planet is warming even though we are seeing trends of it actually starting to cool. Before that though there were plenty of stories that people just ignored about our good friend Al in reference to his crusade and when you brought them up, you were just "in denial of the facts" (I was told this a lot). First off Al Gore's investment company, Generation Investment Management, owns almost 10% of a carbon asset developer named Camco International, Ltd. This is a company that a business would have to purchase Carbon Offset Credits from in the event their production of CO2 went over their allotted amount.
That's not all, lets take a look at Mr. Gore's carbon foot print shall we! In 2006, which is the year his documentary, An Inconvenient Truth was released, Al's average electric usage was 18,400kWh per month, almost 20 times the average home! His average electric bill was $1400 per month. That's $16,800 per year, just for electric! His natural gas usage is equally ridiculous. His natural gas bill averages $1080 per month! Does this resemble anything close to the conservation and Green initiatives that he preaches? Hardly. This doesn't even take into consideration his constant use of a private jet that consumes more fuel per passenger than a commercial airline or his motorcade that takes him to and from his engagements.
And what about the "Green" movement anyway. Liberals and Progressives like Al not only don't care about the environment but they don't care much about you either. They just use the environment as a sort of Trojan Horse of Troy to make you think that they are concerned about something when in reality theres a whole lot of deviousness going on behind the scenes. Example? There was a concerted effort to build a Solar Farm in the Mojave desert not long ago and a group of LIBERAL and PROGRESSIVE activists shot it down because they were concerned that the Solar Farm would disturb the desert tortoise, a lizard and the Nelson's Bighorn Sheep. Have you ever been to the Mojave desert? I have. I was there for an entire day once (damn radiator). Never saw a tortoise, a lizard or a sheep. How disturbing can a bunch of solar panels be?
What this all comes down to is motive. What is Al Gore's motive for pushing this green initiative? Simple. It's Money and Power! Got nothing to do with the well being of anything or anyone except his wallet! And he's not alone. George Soros wants to nationalize the countries banking system. Where does he keep all of his money? Not in any banks in the US!
Wise up America! The same people that tell you to never believe everything you hear or read for some reason will believe anything and everything someone says as long as they are masking their initiatives with the Environment. Don't get caught up in the BS!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Why must these people continue to breathe?
It's been a bad day and I'm in one of my moods again so there's no telling where this post will end! You've been warned!
I have about had it with people! Not everybody, just most of them! You read the news about all the out of control spending the Government is doing and then hear them complain about the enormous debt left to them by the Bush administration. But they spend worse than he did, double the debt and then say that we need to spend our way out of debt. I know, ridiculous, but what do I know. Then I read some of these Liberal bloggers, who obviously have never had a pleasant thought in their entire lives, complain about Bush's out of control spending and in the next sentence Praise Obama for what he's doing to combat it! I know, I scratch my head in amazement too!
How about the Liberal Tree Huggers that will do anything for a smelt (thats a fish, and not a very tasty one either) even if it means depriving an entire farming community of water to grow food for us humans! Or what about that ignorrant and almost militant Republican Anit-Gay Senator from California that gets picked up for DUI after partying at a Gay Bar? Or the Democratic leader of the House Ways and Means committee, you know, the committee that writes our lovely Tax code, that just can't quite get his taxes right and forgets small things like $600,000 worth of property he has and other assorted minor oversights. Wheres that bucket? I can feel some gut rumblings coming on!
Ok, lets bring things to a local level. Today while backing out of a parking space, I'm 3/4 of the way out of the space when I have to slam on my brakes because some mental pygmy just HAS to fly through the parking lot like it's a Grand Prix course. Or how about the 300 year old lady riding the bicycle the wrong way down the street and when I patiently wait for her to go by before entering the Intersection she has the nerve to give me a look like I just kicked her dog. I should've hit the old goat!
Here's a favorite. I held the door open for someone at a convenience store today and they had the nerve to turn their nose in the air and ignore me. A simple Thank you would've been nice. Now as I'm leaving the person in front of me opens the door just enough so they can squeeze out and then PUSHES THE FRIGGIN DOOR CLOSED AS I'M TRYING TO OPEN IT!!!! What the hell is wrong with these idiotic zombies walking the streets these days? It's a good thing I'm not into guns or there would be a lot of lead flying around!
Has common courtesy been replaced by inbred rudeness? There is no wonder this country is in the shape it's in today because almost no one out there could give a tinkers damn about anyone else but themselves! It's that whole Baby-Boomer "GIMME IT IT'S MINE" mentality gone amuck! No one respects anyone but are quick to call you out for "disrespecting" them.
All I have to say is:
I have about had it with people! Not everybody, just most of them! You read the news about all the out of control spending the Government is doing and then hear them complain about the enormous debt left to them by the Bush administration. But they spend worse than he did, double the debt and then say that we need to spend our way out of debt. I know, ridiculous, but what do I know. Then I read some of these Liberal bloggers, who obviously have never had a pleasant thought in their entire lives, complain about Bush's out of control spending and in the next sentence Praise Obama for what he's doing to combat it! I know, I scratch my head in amazement too!
How about the Liberal Tree Huggers that will do anything for a smelt (thats a fish, and not a very tasty one either) even if it means depriving an entire farming community of water to grow food for us humans! Or what about that ignorrant and almost militant Republican Anit-Gay Senator from California that gets picked up for DUI after partying at a Gay Bar? Or the Democratic leader of the House Ways and Means committee, you know, the committee that writes our lovely Tax code, that just can't quite get his taxes right and forgets small things like $600,000 worth of property he has and other assorted minor oversights. Wheres that bucket? I can feel some gut rumblings coming on!
Ok, lets bring things to a local level. Today while backing out of a parking space, I'm 3/4 of the way out of the space when I have to slam on my brakes because some mental pygmy just HAS to fly through the parking lot like it's a Grand Prix course. Or how about the 300 year old lady riding the bicycle the wrong way down the street and when I patiently wait for her to go by before entering the Intersection she has the nerve to give me a look like I just kicked her dog. I should've hit the old goat!
Here's a favorite. I held the door open for someone at a convenience store today and they had the nerve to turn their nose in the air and ignore me. A simple Thank you would've been nice. Now as I'm leaving the person in front of me opens the door just enough so they can squeeze out and then PUSHES THE FRIGGIN DOOR CLOSED AS I'M TRYING TO OPEN IT!!!! What the hell is wrong with these idiotic zombies walking the streets these days? It's a good thing I'm not into guns or there would be a lot of lead flying around!
Has common courtesy been replaced by inbred rudeness? There is no wonder this country is in the shape it's in today because almost no one out there could give a tinkers damn about anyone else but themselves! It's that whole Baby-Boomer "GIMME IT IT'S MINE" mentality gone amuck! No one respects anyone but are quick to call you out for "disrespecting" them.
All I have to say is:
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